I finally got my masterlist up to date, so to reward myself, I’m going to do something a little bit different today – it’s my project, I can bend the rules if I want to. So I’m not going to do an album, but instead I’m combining my two passions: music and the Real Housewives franchise. At some stage, the ladies realised that as a television housewife, people want to work with you to make songs, even if you’re not particularly (or at all) talented, so that’s led to a real mixed bag of musical output.

There’s a few albums that the Housewives have made, but instead I wanted to do a comprehensive overview of the variety of stuff that these ladies have released. As I am, of course, a very serious and objective music critic, I will put my personal feelings about these ladies aside and judge them on their musical merits alone. I am aware that this is probably not something my general audience enjoys, but humour me, I’m having fun.

Countess Luann - Money Can’t Buy You Class

Countess Luann. How do I even begin to explain the Countess? First of all, she is an actual countess, or at least she was by marriage until she married a terrible man named Tom, but she’s still a countess in spirit. I wish she’d combat this slight procedural issue by saying something like “the ‘o’ is silent”. She’s one of the more established musical acts of the Housewives franchise and I see her as a RuPaul-esque figure, making inspirational music for the girls and the gays.

“Money Can’t Buy You Class” is probably her biggest hit, and it’s a song about having manners, which she was very concerned with at the time – less so, as the show went on. The song is heavy on the autotune and the video appears to be pretty heavy on the Facetune as well. It’s got enticing spoken-word verses with wisdom like “Money rich and manners poor, never got the boys too far”, which give her singing voice a bit of a break, or maybe give us a bit of a break from her singing voice. But there’s something about it that’s just intoxicating, it’s so bad it’s almost good. 5/10.

Erika Jayne - XXPEN$IVE

There is so much lore accompanying this song. First of all, Erika Jayne married an old coot who was somewhat known in his own right, as he was portrayed on screen in the film Erin Brockovich, since he was the lawyer who won the case against Pacific Gas & Electric. But then it came out that he’d been defrauding vulnerable clients to pay for his and his wife’s luxury lifestyle, which as you can see they weren’t exactly coy about.

While he did buy his wife a music career, you have to give her a little bit credit: at least she sort of tried. Sure, she might not be Madonna, but at least she gave it a proper go. As far as I know she’s still trying, but to a lesser extent with less financial backing, as her ex-husband is in prison. It’s “XXPEN$IVE” to be Erika Jayne, and presumably much harder if no one is defrauding plane crash victims.

The song and the video are both suitably cringy for being made by a Real Housewife, with honourable mention given to the lyric “Gonna eat this ass like smack smack”, which is absolutely atrocious. While it’s clearly recognisable as a real song, I could not with good conscience give it anything higher than a 4/10.

Simon van Kempen - I am Real

I love the van Kempens. Simon and his wife Alex McCord have somehow managed to find a person who entirely matches their freak, which I find charming. While the househusbands are often in a smaller role, Simon refused to be sidestepped and became almost a full cast member, with a big early story line being that the ladies were pissed that he came to girl’s night – based on that anecdote alone, you can tell he’s the sort of man who’d make a song to set some matters straight.

Is it actually a well-made tune? Well, no. It sounds like something your uncle would make after discovering Bandcamp, but I honestly think he’s about six years away from actually being able to make a good song, which is more than many of these ladies can say. There’s a very pronounced Eurovision energy to this one and it’s very true to his personality. I’m going to give it a strong 3/10, but with potential to do something better.

Kim Zolciak - Tardy for the Party

Somehow miraculously this is one of the biggest songs to ever come out of the Real Housewives franchise. It’s… something. Watching live performances of it makes it abundantly clear that Kim Zolciak is slightly challenged in the vocal department, but credit to her, she doesn’t let that stop her. I had another person in the room while I’ve been listening to these and he mostly provided very short one-word comments like “sure” or “fine”, but this one got a full “Jesus, that’s terrible”. I can’t say I disagree. Recorded, it’s a 2, but live versions get a first in An Album a Day-history: a score of 1/10.

Ashley Darby - Coffee & Love

The less I say about the man Ashley Darby wrote this song for, the better, but suffice to say that that man did not deserve a whole song about how hot their marriage is, he was in the tippity-top of the worst househusbands of all time. Therefore it’s sort of fitting that the song is terrible, too. I can’t exactly put my finger on what it is, but something about the song is so fundamentally off that it’s almost unlistenable to me, maybe something with the timing. The song is being saved by just how bad Kim Zolciak’s was because anything would be better in comparison, but it’s still only a 2/10.

Adriana de Moura - FYAH

This one is from a woman who was seemingly seriously pursuing a musical career for a while, and she had a pretty hefty team behind her, including Emilio Estefan. And as far as Housewives songs go, this one is genuinely not bad. I’d go as far to say that it’s pretty catchy, she’s got much more of an ear for music than many of her contemporaries from this franchise. It’s a perfectly acceptable Latin pop song, at least after the previous two. It’s a Housewives 7 but a real life 4, maybe 5/10 in a pinch.

CANDIACE - Drive Back

Feast your ears on one of the only real singers on the list. This one is very clearly recognisable as an actual R&B track, and not a particularly bad one at that. If I heard this playing in an H&M dressing room, I wouldn’t immediately wonder if something has gone catastrophically wrong, and that’s not something you can say of many of the other songs on this list. Candiace is no longer on Housewives and is still pursuing a career in music, and good for her, I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if she released something that’s actually very good. This one is a solid 6/10.

Melissa Gorga - I Just Wanna

This is another one of the big hitters in the Housewives musical output, and sort of reasonably so, it’s one of the higher-quality semi-bangers that these ladies have made. Is it much worse than some of the weaker songs that actual pop stars have released? No, probably not. It kind of sounds like if JLo’s long lost cousin tried to establish a musical career that sort of sounds like her, but worse. But having been released in the LMFAO era of party music, I actually don’t think this is insanely bad.

However, four and a half minutes is delusionally long for a Housewife and someone should have reined her in. Two and a half, sure, maybe even three minutes, but four and a half is just not on. No one wants to hear a Housewives song for more than four minutes, get real. Despite that, it’s a reasonable 5/10, it could feasibly pass as having been released by an actual artist.

Kandi - Don't Think I'm Not

Crazily enough, there is a very established music industry veteran on the Housewives franchise. Kandi Burruss is a bit of a legend. Not only was she in the Grammy-winning R&B group Xscape, she also wrote some of the most iconic songs of the late ‘90s, like TLC’s “No Scrubs” and Destiny's Child’s "Bills, Bills, Bills". The other Housewives wish they could. She’s also the best singer of this bunch by a country mile.

Honestly, as a song this is just not much worse than any other MTV pop released at the same time. There’s a real music video, it’s a real song, I’m giving it a 6/10. Apparently the music video ends with a dance battle and the men getting pantsed, as was the custom at the time. What were we all thinking with this era of music videos, I’ll never know, but they do invoke a specific type of nostalgia.

Yolanda H Foster - I Love You

Yolanda H Foster, mother of Gigi and Bella Hadid, burned bright on the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. And this song/video is a perfect example of how she just brought a very unique quality to the show – say what you want about Yolanda Foster, no one is doing it like her. What you’re hearing on that song is a woman erotically begging her husband, music producer David Foster, to buy her a private plane. And if that’s not enough grifting, she also framed it as a wedding gift to him! You’ve almost got to respect the brazenness of the hustle.

It’s not the worst song I’ve ever heard, if you disregard everything she’s saying. But frankly it’s pretty hard to ignore, “Happy Birthday, if you buy me a plane I’ll bonk you” is insane enough that it should warrant professional intervention. I do sort of wish I’d have about 10% of her shamelessness, I feel a bit bad if a man even buys me a coffee. I’m giving this one a light 3/10.

The ladies have scored an average of 4/10. I hope these nutjobs never stop making things.

Day 322: Various Artists – Real Housewives Compilation